The Lamest Hero

It's a running gag in the Vernverse that despite being a superhero, Ronnie's not having a lot of luck in his personal life. Here's an example. (Thanks to Mark Baker for the last lines! Perfect!)

Emily accepted her chai latte with oat milk and headed to the exit. At the door, she paused and glanced at the window, which reflected the inside of the shop. Yep, he was getting up from his table, too. She scanned the plaza, saw a 20-something guy exiting the comic book store: Ron Engleson, who ran the Gapman fan site. Perfect!

She hurried in his direction, catching up easily because his bag got caught on the comic book store’s doorknob. “Ron, honey!”

Ignoring his confused look, she put her arms around him in a hug.

“There’s a guy following me. Please pretend to be my boyfriend.” She felt a moment of relief when he returned her hug.

“What’s your name?”

“Emily.”

“Emily, sweetie!”

She pulled away and had just threaded her arm through his when Jacob approached.

“Yo, baby. Why’d you run off so fast? And who are you?” Jacob glared at Ron like something he’d scrape off his shoe.

Ron met his steely gaze with vapid innocence. Emily sighed. “Ronnie, honey, this is…Jacob? We were in line at the coffee shop.”

Her would-be-savior held out his hand. “Ron Engleson.”

Jacob glared at it until he lowered it. “You expect me to believe you’re the boyfriend?”

“Yeah, it surprises me, too,” Ronnie said affably enough. He looked away—usure or pretending to be shy?

Either way, it didn’t impress Jacob. Emily pasted a smile on her face and said, “Aw, honey!”

“If you’ll excuse us…”

Finally, Ron started to lead her away, but Jacob stepped in front of him, blocking his path. Emily squeezed Ron’s arm. Do something!

Jacob asked, “If you’re the boyfriend, why didn’t she get you a coffee, too?”

Shoot! She should have thought of that in the line. She looked nervously at Ronnie, but his expression was as clueless as ever.

“The way my stomach is right now?” he glanced her way. “You’re right. I am coming down with something.”

Then he turned his head away from her toward Jacob and coughed forcefully.

Jacob jumped back. “Whoa, man! What the fae?”

Ronnie coughed a couple more times—into his hand—then apologized. “Wow—sorry about that! It just, like, hit all of a sudden. I’m sorry, Emily, sweetie. You told me to bring a mask and I didn’t listen.”

Taking his cue, Emily rested the back of her hand on his forehead. “You do feel warm. We should get you home.”

“Nice to meet you, Jake.” Ronnie held out his hand—the one he’d been coughing in. Jacob called him a rude name and stormed off.

Ron gave her a small smile. “May I escort you to your car?”

They left the plaza arm in arm. As they got to the sidewalk, Emily said, “That was creative.”

“Six years of school plays,” Ron chuckled, then turned his head and coughed.

Emily tensed. “Are you really sick?”

“No, just making it look good,” he replied quietly. “Your stalker is still following us.”

Of course, he was. “What do we do? I don’t want him to know my car. If only Gapman were here! Aren’t you in charge of his fan club? Can you…call him, or something?”

Ron paused for a second. For a moment, she thought he’d go and confront their stalker himself. Her hero emerges at last! But instead, he pointed toward the restaurant across the street.

“Let’s go in there. I’ll order some soup to go, and you go into the bathroom and call the police.”

“The police? But what about Gapman? Can’t you…?”

He gave her a regretful smile. “My mom runs his fan club. I don’t have a direct line to him. Besides, the last I checked on the GapApp, he hadn’t been seen all day. The police station, however, is only five minutes away. Don’t worry. I’ll hang out by the bathroom door in case Jacob follows us in.”

“If you’re sure…” Emily let Ron lead her to the restaurant—Natura’s. Jacob walked past, looking at them through the windows as he did so. Ron ignored him as he put in an order for soup, then escorted her to the bathrooms.

She obediently went in, paused, then peeked out. True to his word, Ronnie was still there, leaning against the wall, reading one of the comic books he must have just gotten. She sighed, shut the door, and hit speed dial.

“You owe me twenty bucks,” she told her friend Isabella before she even had a chance to say “Hello.”

“You sure?” Isabella asked.

“There is no way that loser is Gapman. Seriously! I was so convincing, and Jacob was tres aggo—”

“I saw from the café. I didn’t see a fight, but I thought there was something…”

“This guy doesn’t have an aggressive bone in his body. Jacob was in his face, and Ronnie didn’t even flex. Instead he just…” She paused to grimace. “…coughed on him.”

“That’s what that was?”

She had to pull her phone from her ear else her friend’s high-pitched laugh would blow out her eardrums. “I know, right? I mean, yeah, it was kind of clever, I guess, but… Look, I’m in the bathroom, supposedly calling the police, but I’m going to tell him I asked you to pick me up. Can you call Jacob and tell him to get scarce? Lame as he’s been, I don’t think Ronnie will let me out of his sight unless I’m with the cops or Jacob’s out of sight.”

“Sure. Well, that’s fae pistachios. Still, an adventure, right? I’m heading to the car now.”

Emily hung up, then paused to check her hair and face in the mirror. She still needed to look scared, but calmer. “Six years of school plays.” Ha! He didn’t stand a chance against a real thespian.

He looked up when she exited. “I’ve been glancing at the window, but not seen him. Are they on the way?”

She did her best to look disappointed and chagrined. “They can’t do anything unless he does something threatening. I called a friend. She’s coming to get me. I can pick up my car later.”

He responded with a sympathetic frown, then sighed. “Well, at least you’re out of immediate danger.”

“Thanks to you!” She gave him her best vapid smile.

As expected, he returned it with a slightly warmer one. Then he looked down, cleared his throat. “So, listen, if you ever—”

“I’m gay!” Internally, she winced. Yeah, of course, he’d think they were sharing a moment and of course, he’d try to ask her out. Of course, that was never going to happen. Of course, she’d done so well then panicked right at the end. “I’m gay?” Surely, he wouldn’t believe that.

Regardless, Ronnie shrugged. “Oh, well, okay then. I’ll just stick with you until your…friend?...gets here.”

She glanced out the window—saved! “There she is now. So, um, thanks so much. My hero!” She smiled brightly, hoping it looked sincere.

“Sure.”

***

Ron Engleson, aka Gapman, waved as Emily drove off with her friend. Just then, the hostess arrived with the chicken soup he’d ordered. “What happened to your girlfriend?”

“Oh, she wasn’t my girlfriend. We’d just met.”

“Oh.” The hostess paused, thoughtful. “Maybe, next time, if you ordered something more…”

Ronnie raised a brow.

“Yeah, never mind. Have a good day!”

Ron looked from his soup in one hand to the comic book in the other. The cover had a picture of Spiderman, beaten and bloody, his costume in tatters, as the Green Goblin zoomed off laughing. MJ was bent weeping over Peter Parker's seemingly lifeless corpse. Her thought bubble read, “No, Peter! Please!”

Some guys have all the luck, he thought.