The Faerie Truth Behind the Fairy Tales, Part 3

By Vern d'Wyvern Transcribed by Karina Fabian

This is the last part of this article, which Vern originally wrote for the anthology, Mother Goose is Dead.

Charity scams:

Let's face it: by American standards, the living conditions of the average Faerie peasant rank below the government-approved poverty level, but they're not complaining. If you feel the need to help out, there are established charities. Don't fall for these:

of kids--or a trailing billfold of photos--asks you to contribute to her building fund so she can get her kids out of the shoe they live in and into a real home. Forget it. Most likely, the kids are hired, she's single or shacking up, and they're living in a Aerolite fifth wheel rather than an Air Jordan. Take my advice and give her the boot.

*The Little Match Girl: Do not buy the matches. Do not take her into your home. In fact, steer clear and call the local police. The matches are as volatile as nitro and she's wanted for arson.[1]

*Roadkill: If you see a unicorn lying on the side of the highway like it's been hit, don't stop to render aid.[2] Unicorns are too smart to play in traffic, but they're not above playing bait for highwaymen. It's an ironic twist they enjoy. If it will settle your conscience, use your cell phone and call the Highway Patrol, but chances are, by the time a patrolman gets there, "Flicka" will have fled the scene.

Scams Across the Gap: Faerie is not like Disney. In fact, you could say it's somewhat more Grimm. Not all scams take place here on the Mundane side, and thanks to the twisted humor of Duke Galen of Peebles-on-Tweed, who's in charge of the immediate territory on the Faerie side, I'm not allowed to investigate except in special circumstances.[3] Therefore, I offer these tips to help you help yourselves:

*Just because the river's named Styx doesn't mean dunking your kids in it will make them invulnerable.[4] Not sure why anyone would believe it's the mythical river when it's winding its way through Northern England, but there you go.

*If some kid in a red hood tells you a wolf is after her, don't be a hero. Run. But don't run in the same direction she is. Most likely, she's going to run you into wolves of a more human kind, who are more interested in your wallet than her goody basket.

*If a troll demands payment for crossing "his" bridge, you have the right to ask for his certification papers.[5] There are actually a couple of troll bridges in Faerie; someone decided it made a nice novelty for the tourists. Trolls make an honest living and the duchy gets its cut. Unfortunately, some trolls--and some oversized humans with gruff voices and gross visages--have decided to "go independent."

*If you see a rainbow that actually ends in a pot of gold, give it a wide berth. It's a trap. For that matter, don't go out hunting leprechauns or pixies or elves or any other manner of Magical Folk. They're not amused any more, and they're more likely to bless you with hair loss than material gain.

There ya go, the top fairy-tale scams laid out nice and simple: Consider it free advice from your Uncle Vern[6]. It is a brave new world, but not all the creatures are awe-inspiring or noble.[7]

Some are just after your wallet.

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[1] "She" being a loose term. Little Match Girls are actually professionals and sometimes neither young nor female--as one shocked Mundane woman discovered when she went back to rescue a poor child and found "her" drunk and urinating against a wall. Standing up.

[2] Come on. The donkey did it in Shrek II--is it really such a stretch?

[3] Like anything that affects the security of Peebles-on-Tweed, or the Duke's beer supply, which is sometimes the same thing.

[4] Yep. The scam ran for longer than it should have because the Duke found it funny. He used to go out there and watch the screaming babies get dipped. His brother, Bishop Aiden finally found out and put an end to the whole thing. Let's leave dunking the infants to the Church, shall we?

[5] However, if you're crossing the Gwendoleine bridge and your troll has a grey beard streaked with red and a wart under his left eye, run screaming and let him call you back. You'll make Ol' Rulfus' day. Just don't mention goats. Trust me on this.

[6] Though if I ever hear you call me that, I'll eat you.

[7] Myself excepted, of course. Ironically, I seem to get less respect that Freddy the Frog Prince. Humans. Go figure.